If All of My Answers Would Wash Up on Shore
by skeletonskin
Summary: Everyone says things that they don't mean sometimes, but they're usually lucky enough to be able to take the words back. Ludwig is terrified he'll never get the chance. (AKA Feliciano is a terrible driver, and even more so when he's upset.) USUK and side Spamano. Now complete!
1. Runaway Heart

**Hello everyone! This is the author... uh... obviously...**

 **Anyhow** **, this is my first story, so I suppose I should warn you of the unimaginable terror and atrocious plot that awaits you in my story.**

 **nah, i'm just kidding. (I hope.) Title taken from Commonwealth Avenue by Love, Robot (a fantastic band that you should give a listen to.) And do I need a disclaimer? Nothing concerning Hetalia belongs to me, negating this story. Nor am I making profit off of this.** **So, without further ado, this is chapter one of "If All of My Answers Would Wash Up on Shore". Thanks!**

 **~your most humble author**

 **Chapter One:**

 **Runaway Heart**

The air of the restaurant is at a perfectly good, neutral temperature, yet Feliciano can feel the uncomfortable stickiness of sweat beneath his collar. Nervously, he tugs at it, hoping to relieve some heat.

"So, Feliciano, Ludwig here tells me that you enjoy drawing?" The girl, Alicia, smiles kindly, politely inquiring at him.

"Yes, that's right. I like to draw." He mutters out, twisting his hands under the tablecloth. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Ludwig giving him a 'go on' look, so he does.

"I, erm, draw sunsets, and nature. Sometimes portraits. The world is so very… beautiful. Just like you." He says, awkwardly sliding in a compliment. She giggles and blushes lightly, pink tinging her cheeks. And well, he's not lying. She is quite pretty, with light brown hair and smooth skin, but Feliciano simply isn't interested. She doesn't have blue eyes like the summer sky, or a secret smile warmer than baked bread. She isn't Ludwig.

The date continues, with Ludwig and Liz flirting heavily, and Feliciano mainly chowing down, staring at the tablecloth, and throwing random compliments at Alicia. He can tell she's not fooled, but she's nice enough to play along. Another day- another life-Feli thinks they could be friends. She's very nice, and funny, seems genuinely interested in his art, and between the two of them they eat enough to feed an army. But in this situation, it's just so damn uncomfortable.

By the later half of the date, Feli feels so wooden and sticky under the disappointment and confusion of Ludwig's glare that he gets up, announcing, "I need to use the little boy's room!".

On his way out, he pays for half the bill, hoping he'll make it to the highway before Lud figures out what he's done.

"Ludwig, I'm sorry, it's just that I haven't really enjoyed these girls you've set me up with!"

"That's nonsense, Feliciano. They're all pretty girls, very sweet. The one tonight nearly ate as much as you! Doesn't that qualify her for some sort of award?"

Feliciano sighed, rubbing his forehead with his free hand, the other on the steering wheel. Pushing his free-flying hair out of his face, he continues. "Yes, they're all lovely signoras, but just not my… type."

He can practically feel Lud furrow his eyebrows at that through the phone.

"What does that even mean? What's wrong with them?"

Feliciano's breath catches in his throat. He'd not meant to be so blatant. "They're too… beh, dainty, I guess.", he manages, saving the moment.

"Feli, you yourself are fairly dainty. N-not in a bad way, but…"

"Well, I know _that_. That doesn't mean my future spouse has to be as well." He says, frustrated.

"Ugh, Feliciano, you know that you're my best friend, but you can be so irritating at times. Why can't you simply be content with a date, ever? Enjoying an evening out doesn't mean you're going to marry the damn woman." Feliciano can hear the annoyance in his tone. His mouth suddenly feels tight, like when Romano dared him to suck on a lemon.

"I'm sorry, Ludwig. I didn't mean to be so vexing to you." He says, hurt clear in his voice.

"Hey! Don't make me out to be so evil. Feliciano, you nearly ruined my own date with Lizzie tonight. She's tired of me always having to leave our dates to run after you. We barely have time to be alone anymore!"

"Well then don't run after me! Don't keep scheduling double dates for us!" Italy shouts, frustration building up inside of him, over the sound of his racing engine. Really, it is a simple solution, so why doesn't Ludwig just _do it?_ The blonde must be struggling to make out his words as well, as he yells his next words as well.

"Maybe I won't then! Maybe I won't talk to you ever again! Gott, Feliciano, you're so infuriating sometimes!"

Feliciano could feel the burning of tears behind his eyes as his closest friend yelled these angry words at him. They cut straight through his heart, tearing into his deepest fear. "You're so pushy! Why can't you ever j-just leave well enough alone, Ludwig?"

"Fine! You can just die alone, I suppose!" Lud responds with fire in his voice. Feliciano knows ( _hopes)_ that neither of them really mean what they're saying, they're just tired and frustrated, but he can't help himself from opening his mouth to reply with equal blaze. But then suddenly he's a deer, staring headlights right in the face. Time suddenly slows, the world narrowing down to the screeching of his tires as they desperately attempt to swerve to the side of the road, and the obnoxiously bright headlights of a car, driving on the wrong side of the road- _what is he doing?_ \- flashing into his eyes until then there's-the car flipping over and over and over and nothing will stop moving-

 _broken glass everywhere, oh god what's happ-_

 _sticky sticky blood drenching-_

 _burning rubber invading, pervading every pore-_

 _what's that terrible sound?_

And then blackness consumes.

"Fine! You can just die alone, I suppose!" He says, regretting the words as soon as they leave his mouth, but they're out there now. With a mixture of anger and nerves, he clenches the steering wheel, Ludwig waits for Feliciano's reply above the sound of his car, racing along the road. He always was a terrifying person to drive with, and Ludwig can tell hes probably breaking the speed limit right now. He reminds himself to tell Feliciano to drive carefully before either one of them hangs up in a huff.

But instead of an answer, Ludwig hears the absolute worst sounds he ever could've imagined, could've dreamed up in some nightmare. Skidding tires, a blaring car horn, Feliciano's scream of pure terror, and a _whump whump_ _crunch_ , before the line goes dead.

Quickly pulling over to the side of the road, with a _screech,_ Ludwig's face goes completely white, hands shaking as he brings his phone down from his ear, staring at it in total shock. Finally, as the internal clock on the device shifts from 8:27 to 8:28, his mind comprehends everything that just

happened.

"F-fel-ic-" He mutters, breath coming out in short gasps. " _Mein gott, ihn zu retten."_ With trembling fingers, he shaking types 9-1-1 out on his keypad, hoping to god he isn't too late.

 **heh... hello...**

 **I hope no one hates me now.**

 **note: "** _Mein gott, ihn zu retten"_ **means "my god, save him." at least I hope it does... to any native German speakers, I am SO sorry if I just butchered your beautiful language.**

 **And unless everyone begs me otherwise, I will be continuing this! Not terribly long, I'd say, no more than 10 chapters? Probably not even that.**

 **Auf wiedersehen for now, sweethearts!**


	2. Brother Knows Best

**Hello everyone! First off, thank you so so much to everyone who read or reviewed my first chapter, that was honestly amazing. I was expecting nothing, so thank you. 3**

 **Also! Just to clear some things up, YES this is Gerita ( although I'm thinking of putting in some side paring, like maybe aushun, spamano, usuk or rusame? i'm not sure).**

 **And that's pretty much everything! So thank you, and enjoy chapter two!**

 **Chapter Two:**

 **Brother Knows Best**

With terror running through his veins, Ludwig pulled into the parking lot of the hospital, the main entrance lit up like a beacon in the darkness of the night. Looking up at all the windows, he couldn't help but wonder if Feliciano was in one of those rooms, each choked breath closer and closer to his last.

 _Stop it,_ he told himself firmly. _Feli is fine. He has to be._

He clenched his shaking fists in a final attempt to stop their incessant trembling, then unlocked his card door. The asphalt was hard and stable beneath his feet, yet he felt almost as if it were ready to suck him down, into a sea of dark, sticky tar.

Getting to the second floor waiting room felt like an incredibly arduous journey, stepping through the too-brightly lit entrance, speaking to the secretary and going up the elevator with a man who had wet, hacking cough, and didn't even bother to cover it with his elbow- all the while, Ludwig was too nervous to think properly. He'd been immediately rushed over to some man with a clipboard, whom he'd told his name and who he was here to see, before being shoved into a chair and left alone.

Finally, as he sat in the slightly rickety wooden chair, he had a moment to breathe. A moment to fully take in what had happened… because of him. Horror filled his stomach as Ludwig realized that Feliciano had crashed his car, was now sitting in the hospital because of him. His stupid, _stupid_ argument over the date. Why couldn't that have waited? Why did he have to get angry at all? After all, Feli's love life was his own. With a horrified feeling, he remembered his last words to him before the crash- _you can just die alone_ \- and a thick, nauseous feeling filled him, like poisoned honey was weighing down his lungs. Why did he have to be such an idiot?

And _goddammit_ , he thought, he had to call a certain someone now. He was dreading this call more than words could tell, but it couldn't be avoided, unfortunately. He had to call Lovino.

Ludwig couldn't tell if it was dread or relief that caught him when the call went straight to voicemail. On one hand, he didn't have to speak to him yet, but on the other, he might be even more enraged when he arrived than if he'd been called. Either way, he kept the message short and efficient.

"Lovino. Hello. I-I'm afraid that Feliciano has been in an accident. I'm at Northwest Med Center… please get here as soon as you can. I don't have any information on your brother's condition but it would be best if you could be here.

I'm sorry."

Almost directly after he pocketed the phone, a man walked over to him, eyes on a sheet of paper.

"Ludwig Beilschmidt?" He asks, writing down something that he couldn't see. Ludwig straighted

up, tugging at his shirt as he nodded firmly.

"I have an update for you regarding your friend. Feliciano is currently in surgery. He was in critical condition. He sustained a few cracked ribs, some minor flesh wounds, but what our main concern is is the condition of his brain."

Ludwig felt his chest tighten, but his merely clenched his fists tighter and nodded, motioning for the man to continue.

"It's quite possible, considering the evidence on his body, that he sustained a traumatic brain injury from some sort of blunt force towards the back of his head, presumably on the parietal lobe." The man explained, looking at him almost sadly. "I'm afraid that's all I can tell you, but once your friend is out of surgery, the doctor will be able to talk to you and any family he has."

Ludwig coughed once, clearing his throat. "Thank you. T-thank you very much, sir." He turned around, looking to sit back down, but was stopped dead in his tracks by a terrifying sight. Lovino Vargas was standing by the door, eyes scanning the room- presumably looking for him. Next to him stood Antonio, whose normally cheerful face was equal parts apprehensive and sad.

Lovino's amber, enraged eyes met his from across the room. Ludwig took a deep breath, preparing himself for the imminent stream of obscenities and insults.

"You goddamn bastard! This is all your fault!" He half-yelled, fists flying at Ludwig's arms and chest. Antonio bit his lip, apologizing silently over Lovino's shoulder.

"You and your fucking- ugh! What did you do to him, bastard?" Lovino's words hardly shocked him. He already knew the crash was his fault. Though he hardly felt the smaller man's punches across his body, he caught his fists in his own hands.

"I'm sorry, Lovino. I'm sorry."

The brunette froze, face filled with anger. Suddenly, his eyes filled with tears and he tore himself away from Ludwig's grip. He crossed his arms tightly around his chest, staring at the ground. Antonio hesitantly put a hand to his shoulder, which he leaned into the moment contact was made. His whole arm snaked around Lovino's shoulder, half holding him up.

"Why did it have to be him?" He muttered woefully.

Antonio sighed deeply, a hand absently stroking Lovino's shoulder. "What news do you have of him?" He asked sorrowfully.

All three men looked at each other as Ludwig spoke. "Not… not much. He's in surgery right now. Apparently most of his body is actually fine."

"But?"

"It's possible his brain was damaged." Ludwig took in a shaky breath, fully expecting Lovino to attack him again, either verbally, or physically. Surprisingly, he only rubbed his face dejectedly, muttering "Fuck.".

The three of them stood there in slightly awkward silence until Antonio sat down, motioning for them all to do the same. Pushing his hair back, he spoke decisively.

"We haven't got anything to do now but wait. So I suggest we try to do it as peacefully as possible, huh?" Romano nodded slowly in agreement.

"I suppose this is a truce, you potato bastard. But don't you go thinking we're friends now, got it? I still hate you. This is for Feliciano." He said, wagging his finger at Ludwig. Gratefully, he nodded, letting out a small snort.

"Got it."

 **look! i'm not completely evil! this ended rather happily, didn't it?... erm...**

 **well, see you guys next time! please review if you'd like, tell what i did wrong or right, or whatever really. auf wiedersehen, my lieblings.**


	3. Symptoms of the Heart

**Chapter Three:**  
 **Symptoms of the Heart**

* * *

Feli's skin looked so pale and fragile against the angry, burnt red color of the gashes littered on his deceivingly peaceful face. His chest rose in shallow breaths, but thankfully steady ones. Thankfully he was even taking them.

The doctor gave him a moment to sit down next to the sleeping patient before talking. Glancing at her, Ludwig saw that the ID badge around her neck read " _ **Honda, Sakura. MD"**_ , right next to a cutesy cherry blossom sticker. She pushed her glasses up past her forehead, pushing back a few stray strands of dark hair that had escaped her tight bun. "Mr. Beilschmidt, I presume?" She asked in a quiet voice.

He nodded absently, eyes flitting back to Feliciano's somber form.

"You're listed here as 's second emergency contact. You're his friend?" She asked gently.

He cleared his throat to answer, having been filled with a thick, choked feeling at the sight of his friend, so vulnerable and broken.

"That's right. His best friend." he said, confused as to why he clarified the last part even as he said it. Her face didn't move, though her eyes shifted in some way, looking almost sad for him. He brushed the thought away and waited for the doctor to continue.

"Very well, Mr. Beilschmidt, I'll get right to the point. You seem like you'll be able to handle this much better than his brother, so I won't be sugarcoating this."  
Ludwig swallowed anxiously.

"Mr. Vargas was quite honestly lucky to not have sustained anything worse than he did. He has a few cracked ribs, some cuts and bruises, but nothing we can't handle. What we're mainly worried about is his brain. During the crash, the patient seems to have hit the left portion of his parietal lobe on a stable object- the windshield, perhaps, or the roof of the car. The car that crashed into him was much larger than his own. The car seems to have forced his head against the object with great speed and force, causing severe trauma to the brain. From the scans we took, I've concluded that Mr. Vargas will most likely be diagnosed with Gerstmann's Syndrome."

As Doctor Honda spoke, Ludwig's hands gripped the arms of the chair harder and harder, turning his knuckles white. He stared at the floor intently, studying the boring white patterns. After inhaling and exhaling several times, he looked back up to the woman.

"A-and what does that mean, exactly?" He managed.

"Essentially, he'll have trouble expressing himself through speaking and writing, and it will be difficult for him to understand both the spoken and written word. He may not be able to distinguish right from left, and have trouble with mathematics. When he wakes up, he'll most likely be confused about his surroundings, what happened to him, and may even experience some temporary amnesia."

The words rang coldly in Ludwig's head, Doctor Honda's gentle tone lost in the recesses of his shocked mind.

"I see. Thank you. I need a moment, if that's alright." His voice said blankly, mouth moving of it's own accord. She merely nodded, stepping out of the room quietly to give him some peace.

When Lovino had stepped out of Feli's room not ten minutes ago, he walked straight into Antonio's waiting arms, sniffling quietly into his shoulder. Ludwig's heart had clenched with fear, guilt, and sadness. He'd had no idea what to expect when he walked in, and even now he wasn't sure how he felt. Relief? Feliciano was okay, he'd wake up and he'd be alright. He was infinitely grateful for that. But this condition, Gerstmann's whatever… how would Feliciano take it? Would he be able to adjust?

Looking to the side of him, at his best friend laying somberly still, he felt tears prick his eyes for the first time since he'd hung up the phone. Taking Feliciano's limp hand in his, he held onto it like a lifeline in a black sea of empty pain. Hot, wet tears streamed down his cheeks as he took shaky breaths, fingers unthinkingly lacing with his sleeping companions'. The weak thrum of a heartbeat in Feli's fingers calmed him slightly, until he was collected enough to wipe the tears from his cheeks and speak.

" _Mein Gott_ , Feliciano, I'm so sorry. Why did this have to happen to you? You're everything that's good and pure about this world, the last person who deserves this. You wouldn't dare to harm a rabbit, and yet this is what your lot in life." Gently, he brushed some stray locks of hair from his forehead, pushing back the rebellious curl that always stood up, away from his head. An odd man out.

"I should be the one who was hurt. I'm sorry, Feli, I really am. I hope you can forgive me for what I've done. You're my best friend and I wouldn't change that for the world."

Taking a deep breath, he released Feliciano's hand, setting it softly on the pale blue bedsheet. Leaving the steady beep of the heart monitor behind, he stepped out of the room and shut the door behind him.

* * *

Antonio and Lovino looked at him expectantly.

"Well? What are you doing, you _merda_? Are you going to stay here?" The angry italian asked, arms crossed. He seemed to be in much better shape than only a short while ago. Ludwig could only wonder what Antonio had said to him.

"Yes. I'll be staying here until Feliciano wakes up. In fact, I was just going to grab a cup of coffee from the machine downstairs. Would either of you care for a cup?" Antonio nodded firmly, rising from his seat.

" _Si,_ I will come with you." Lovino frowned at this, hands fidgeting.

"Are you leaving me alone? Jerk." He said crossly, scowling. The spaniard only smiled fondly.

"Someone needs to stay here in case your brother wakes up while we're gone, hm? Who better than you?" He said warmly. Most of the anger in Lovino's scowl dissipated, leaving him with his normal resting pissed-off face.

"Hmph, well I suppose it's better than him waking up to that potato bastard." He said, giving Ludwig an appraising look. "But don't be gone too long. N-not that I care or anything! I just want some coffee." Antonio grinned, happy with the other man's relative compliance.

"Yes, dear. Cream and sugar?"

* * *

The dark, scalding liquid filled the styrofoam cup slowly, as the machine groaned and squeaked obnoxiously, making sounds like it was using up it's life force to pour the one cup of coffee. The secretary, tucked away behind glass, looked up from her computer in apparent annoyance. Ludwig winced, not wanting to be intrusive, but badly needing the caffeine pick-me-up. Antonio gave her a friendly wave, along with (what Ludwig was _sure_ was unintentional) a flirtatious smile. She blushed, shocked, and turned her eyes back to her computer screen, content with staying seated. Ludwig rolled his eyes.

"So," Antonio started as the machine began to groan out a second cup. "How are you dealing with all of this?" he asked.

Breathing in the steam rising from his cup, Ludwig made a face. "Honestly?" Antonio nodded.

"Pretty shitty." A self-deprecating laugh escaped his mouth. "I just- this is all my fault. Feli and I were fighting over the phone, and he got upset, and I was angry, and I. I don't know if I can forgive myself."

The man opposite him narrowed his vibrant eyes in concern. "I seriously doubt that it's your fault, Ludwig. The man who hit him was drunk after all, and driving incorrectly. What were you two fighting about?" Antonio queried, hands wrapped around his own cup.

"Erm, well. Feliciano and had been on a double date- me With Elizaveta, Ludwig with one of her friends. It was a blind date for Feli. For some reason, I don't know… he got uncomfortable or upset or something, and ran out. I went after him, but he was already gone when I got to the parking lot. I called him… he was just acting so odd, and said he didn't like these dates. And then, well, we had some heated exchanges, and then he…" Ludwig swallowed heavily. Antonio nodded, understanding what he'd not said.

"So basically, you abandoned your girlfriend to go after Feli and got in a fight over his love life?"  
Guiltily, Ludwig bobbed his head, looking at Antonio's faded loafers.

" _Mi amigo,_ I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with Feliciano." Blinking in confusion, Ludwig turned his head to watch the cryptic man walk away.

 _What does that even mean?  
_

Several floors away, Feliciano slept away, unaware of the confusion and guilt that chased each other around through his best friends head.

* * *

 **NOTES: "** _merda"_ **is italian for "shit" and** _"m_ _i amigo"_ **is spanish for "my friend".**

 **hello everyone! thanks for reading chapter three, in which nyo japan is here for reasons, lud is sad, and toni plays cupid! see next chapter: ludwig has a gay crisis.**

 **thank you so so much to everyone who reviewed, followed, favorited, or just plain read my story. it means so much to me that even a single person would give my story a glance at most. I love you all! *kisses***

 **I tried to stick to a realistic hospital setting, but seeing as I'm don't spend a good amount of time in hospitals, I'm no expert! I may have gotten a few things wrong. but hey, fiction is fiction?**

 **please review if you'd like, or ya know. do whatever you want. have a great day/night/eternal hell of twilight!**


	4. Blind Spot

**Chapter Four:**

 **Blind Spot**

 _Voices._

He was aware of sounds all around him, steady beats and uneven footsteps, muffled conversations, floating through his brain without being truly understood, like a toddler reading Freud- all the information was _there_ , but his mind didn't know what to do with it. Occasionally he heard a voice that he could've sworn he knew, but the recognition was feather-light and out of his grasp before his fingers could even brush it.

On occasion, he seemed to feel a sudden rush of heat, a pounding through his body, and he wanted to awaken, to open his eyes and understand these damned noises. But these moments were as fleeting as melting snow, and he mind soon fell back into the darkness.

He had some undeniable feeling of sadness and pain, but he couldn't describe it. So he let himself float, limp, through the murky black waters of unconsciousness, clouding his mind. He didn't know his own name or what he was doing, but that was alright. He was content to rest a bit longer, water enveloping his body.

* * *

Ludwig shifted uncomfortably in his seat, hands folded in front of him. It'd been three whole days since Feliciano had gone into a coma, and not much had changed since then. He'd gone home once, on the second day, to change his rumpled clothes and explain everything to Gilbert. The silvery-haired man was uncharacteristically quiet for once, letting Ludwig speak. He'd then taken the quickest shower of his life (which was saying a lot, as growing up with his military father had fostered a lot of military habits in the household) and driven back to the hospital. Just before he walked out the door, Gilbert pulled him into a tight hug, just on the verge of uncomfortable. Gil was often stingy with showing his affections, but when he'd pulled away, he patted his shoulder in a brotherly way, and told him to be careful.

When Ludwig finally returned, Feliciano was _still_ sleeping. Dammit, the idiot always had liked his naps.

Lovino made sure to shoot him a least one dirty look an hour, which somehow made Ludwig feel better- at least Lovino was feeling good enough to act like his normal, resentful self.

He honestly didn't know what he expected- or wanted- to happen now. The obvious choice was for his best friend to wake up, damaged but safe. And yet here was some dark part of his heart that didn't want that… what if Feliciano hated him now? Never forgave him? Could Ludwig bear that burden?

Did he even deserve to be forgiven?

Shaking away these thoughts with disgust, he focused back onto the real world, the clinical scent of the waiting room. He looked to his left, to where Antonio and Lovino were sitting. Well, the former was sitting, while the latter was asleep, slouched over the plastic armrest and head leaning on Antonio's shoulder. Though the position didn't look terribly comfortable, Ludwig could see the faintest of faint smiles on his face. The spaniard, seeing Ludwig's eyes on him, gave him a subdued smile.

"He's very tired, I figured I should let him sleep." He whispered as to not disturb him. Ludwig nodded, before rasing his wrist to check his watch. The metal piece around his arm read 2:35. Though he'd not really eaten since getting some cold soup from the cafeteria last night, he couldn't bring himself to have an appetite. His stomach felt sick, whether it be from the greasy, processed soup in his stomach or everything going on. To be truly honest, he was still mulling over Antonio's words by the coffee machine- reevaluate his relationship? Whatever those words meant, the translation didn't reach his brain.

Ludwig's feelings for Feliciano were very normal for best friends. Of course he wanted to talk to him all the time, to make him happy, and protect him at all costs. After all, what were friends for?

But then Ludwig remembered the sin-coated dreams of dark nights and sweaty skin and Feliciano's lithe, pale form over him, nimble fingers wandering-

Well. Erm, that was fairly normal, wasn't it? It wasn't because Ludwig had _romantic_ feelings for his best friend, no. He wasn't even a homosexual- he was in a perfectly healthy relationship with Elizaveta, for christ's sake!

It was only because, well, they spent plenty of time together, and, his body was… very curvy, and graceful. Like a woman's, almost. His brain was just expressing his _platonic_ friendship with Feliciano through intimacy. Dreams were very weird and complicated, it was perfectly reasonable.

Yeah.

It wasn't that he had any hard feelings against gays… their choices were weird, granted, but who was he to tell people how to live? All the hatred against them just didn't make much sense to him. Why not let them live how they wanted? But, again, he wasn't gay or anything… of course not. Right?

Suddenly interrupting his train of thought, a group of doctors and nurses started shouting, panicked, rushing to a room, carrying equipment. Lovino was startled awake with a small shout, rubbing his sleepiness away. He looked both confused and concerned, and Ludwig was sure all three of their stomachs dropped as they saw that they were going into Feli's room. In their rush, they left the door open just a crack, enough to let sound escape.

Several minutes passed, indiscernible voices shouting, words jumbling into each other. Ludwig felt like he was going to throw up. Suddenly one voice- Ludwig recognized it as Doctor Honda's-spoke sternly, with panic lacing her voice.

"He's flat-lining. Someone get me 20 cc's of vasopressin, quick. Defibrillator?"

The next moments were tense, and silent, stretching into what felt like hours. A high pitched pitch rang out before what Ludwig guessed was the defibrillator made a slamming noise.

"No reaction. Let's try 40 cc's of epinephrine and another charge. Clear."

The same process occurred, and then all went silent. Soft murmurs were exchanged, and a strange voice said something Ludwig feared more than anything.

"He's completely flat… He's gone. Mark it: 2:47 PM, April 15.".

Ludwig practically felt the entire world fall away from him, stripped down to a black, empty version of itself. He felt so useless, helpless. _No. No. He can't- he's not- this isn't real- he's too young to die- I have to tell him-he can't do this._

He was mildly aware of Lovino standing up, next to him, screaming for his _fratello_ and crying, Antonio barely able to hold him back through his own tears. Yet he couldn't even move. All of his bones were frozen, his mind turned cold. Grief washed over him, overtook him, and he couldn't make a sound. Hauntingly, he recalled his mother's dying words to him, as the very color drained out of her face:

 _"Mein liebling, dieser Tag ist ein Gewitter, aber wann die Sonne wieder scheint, du musst nie lassen die Wolken nehmen Sie es weg von Ihn."_

He'd let the sunlight slip through his fingers so easily, hadn't he?

This couldn't be real.

* * *

He could hear shouting voices right next to him, as if they were breathing into his ear. Stop that, he wanted to say. _Go away._ But he remained as still as ever, lost in the dark abyss. A new kind of warmth from the voices filled his bones, creeping down from the top of the murk, like sunlight infiltrating a dirty fishbowl.

 _Wake up,_ it seemed to tell him. _Wake up._

He wanted to, now, he really did. But every time he moved his limbs to swim up, to break the surface, black seaweed, slimy and thick, wrapped itself around his ankles, tendrils knotting and growing up his calves, pulling him ever deeper under.

The water clogged up his nose, filled his mouth, wouldn't let him breathe. Why did it taste like burnt rubber? Why was everything so harsh and dark, draped over him in such a suffocating way, pushing him further and further down. It made even the slightest movements tiring now. That was why he slept on, through the thundering voices and the heat leaving his body, letting him shiver. He was falling, falling, falling, endlessly, and yet immobile all at once.

The slow, rubbery movements of the water were his sickeningly sweet lullaby.

* * *

 **oh gosh.**

 **well, I hope you guys aren't all dead. did i really just kill feli? am I a terrible monster? who knows. not me. I guess you'll have to find out! *whispers* please don't leave me I swear I love you.**

 **please don't be too mad at Lud for his slightly homophobic thoughts, remember this is 1988 and his train of thought is actually very progressive for that time. also he's closeted gay, so.**

 **Translation! _Fratello_ means brother in italian. Ludwig's mother said to him: _my love, today is a thunderstorm, but when the sun shines upon you again, you must never let the clouds take it away from you._** **I am terribly sorry if that translation is incorrect (who am I kidding, it probably is) since I used google translate and my very basic knowledge of** **German. Despite my love for it, I'm not great at the beautiful language. Native Deutsch speakers, please feel free to yell at me/tell me how to fix it.**

 **also, school has officially started for me, as well as many others of you, I'm sure. So that means I will be updating this once a week, on Saturdays.**

 **thank you SO SO much to all your kind reviews, follows and favs. it's been absolutely amazing for people to be so fantastic.**

 **that's all for now! I love you guys, be nice! review/follow/fav if you'd like, it really means a lot to me. see you next time!**


	5. The Warmth of Ice

_Enjoy the chapter! review, follow, or fav if you'd like :-)_

 **Chapter Five:**  
 **The Warmth of Ice**

Ludwig watched with dread, frozen to his chair, as doctors petered out of the room, expressions glum. The last doctor out was Feliciano's , Doctor Honda. She whispered something to a man with ruffled brown hair and a dark freckle on the side of his mouth- Ludwig recognized him as the man that he'd talked to on the first night- who nodded in response. With a small, gloomy sigh, he began walking towards where he, Lovino and Antonio sat. He knew what was coming. He _knew,_ though his mind strained against the very thought. They were going to tell him that his best friend was dead, gone, and it was all because of him.

Then, confusingly, the man continued to walk past Ludwig, past Lovino, to another family- to a woman with dark, unkempt hair and a small boy in her lap, with crusty snot dried under his nose. She looked just as tense and upset as Ludwig felt. Whatever the man said couldn't be heard from where he sat, but the woman's face fell, absolutely devastated, and the boy buried his tired face in her shoulder. Their quiet, muffled cries shook him to the core, the meaning reaching him clearly- it wasn't Feli.

It wasn't Feliciano who'd died.

Though guilt rose in his chest as the watched the newly lessened family grieve, he couldn't help utter relief that flooded his being. Looking at the brother of the man causing them so much anxiety, the same feelings were evident on his face. Antonio squeezed Lovino's shoulder encouragingly with a trademark warm smile. He watched as, with trembling fingers, Lovino held his hand out to the elder man, palm turned toward the ceiling. Antonio's eyes widened, looking like he'd just been given a gift, and his left hand grasped Lovino's right firmly, fingers interlacing. The younger man stared fixedly at his lap, pink tinging his cheeks and a small, uncharacteristic smile on his lips. Antonio, on the other hand did nothing to hide his grin as their hands remained laced discreetly. With a mischievous look in his eyes, he whispered something in Lovino's ear before kissing his cheek lightly, the pink tinge turning to a new shade of red on the italian's face.

Oh. Um.

Ludwig blinked in surprise, averting his eyes to give them privacy, or whatever. Heat rushed to his own face, surprised at the event. Were they... in a relationship, of sorts? He'd really not… expected that, though it would explain why they were always together, Antonio wrapped around Lovino's finger like a snake around prey. This was new. And incredibly awkward, given he probably looked like a sick tomato, a bright red blush and a strange expression on his face.

Is that why Antonio had asked Ludwig about his relationship with Feli? Did he think that he and Feliciano were, uh, involved? But why would he…

His mind quickly falling into a jumble of half-finished thoughts and frustration, Ludwig wrinkled his forehead.

 _He's just a friend of course I don't- although his hair is so soft, and always smells so nice, like basil and warmth and mint shampoo, and something woody and sweet at once-and what of those dreams?- but of course, that's normal, right, to dream of- no you sheiße, it isn't-I have a girlfriend and she's very nice- but do I love her?- well. That's. Uh, that is, it's compli-_

And so on it went, spiraling further and further into a pit of confusion.

* * *

A one-sided conversation, a warm voice that felt like home. He could hear it, still fuzzy but clearer than anything he'd heard since- well, since he could remember.

His ears, clogged, strained to hear the familiarity through the filmy blackness wrapped loosely around his awareness.

The voice used words of love, pain, and acceptance. He could tell that much from the tone- he only made out a few phrases-something about "the way you talk to me", and "I was such a fool", but it sounded important. Urgent.

Something about how the words were said, or who said them, altered something inside of him. Instead of the weak warmth that occasionally spread through him, urging him to wake up only to disappear so soon, everything around him froze. The voice nurtured shards of ice in his heart, spreading outward, through his chest, his arms, out of his slightly-extended fingertips, into the lake of oblivion. The shock of the dark water turned crystal clear was refreshing, a beautiful, ethereal change of scenery as it froze. Cracks and breaks appeared throughout it, and somehow, Feliciano could breathe better than when the rubbery water was there.

Huh, that was new. _Feliciano._ His… name? He played with the word gently on his tongue, pleased to find that it tasted right. Satisfied, he extended his arms upward, moving through the ice as if it was a cotton sheet, covering him just barely, lightly. Oh, he could almost feel the sunlight, warmth on his skin, blissful and gentle like a summer sky. His arms pushed- _his eyes fluttered_ -his legs kicked- _his breathing quickened_ \- he broke the surface of that frigid ocean, only to find it was a mere puddle- _his red-streaked eyes shot open, only seeing bright bright white and grey, and a hint of yellow in the corner of his vision, he turned and it was his own warmth, his own summer sky._

And it was real.

* * *

The room was quickly filled with doctors and clipboards and muttering voices, but all Ludwig could do was clutch Feliciano's arm like a lifeline as the dazed man blinked slowly, taking in the light and noise as he slowly gained full consciousness. Tears stinging his eyes, Ludwig couldn't help but lean down, pressing his forehead into the crook of the brunette's arm, muttering " _sonnenlicht, mein sonnenlicht"_ over and over again.

* * *

 **Short chapter today, but important! Now all the real cuteness can begin for my bbs.**

 **Are you guys happy? I guess I'm just not evil enough to kill Feli. Yeah, it was the person he shared a room with that died. Sorry, random person. Your kid was really cute in my imagination.**

 **translations! "** _sheiße"_ **means shit, and** " _sonnenlicht, mein sonnenlicht"_ **means "sunlight, my sunlight" in german.**

 **next chapter... I promise to put in plenty of cuteness for you guys- you really deserve it. you've stuck with me through pain and tears! So thank you for that.**

 **Also thank you so much for every kind review and every sweet follow and fav! you guys rock! i love you all so much.**


	6. We're Healing Bodies

_hey guys! i'm SO sorry about the lateness, school's been hectic. but here's a sweet lil chapter :-)_

 **Chapter Six:**

 **We're Healing Bodies**

"So, Feliciano. May I call you Feliciano?"

Even these words, simple as they might've been, called for hesitation on Feliciano's part as he strung together the words. After a few uncomfortable moments, he nodded shakily, speaking. "Y-yes. Thanks." He shifted slightly in the green chair, feet just barely brushing the floor. The therapist smiled at him understandingly from his own seat, a small, unthreatening pile of papers in hand.

"Alright then, Feliciano. My name is Matthew. You can call me Dr. Williams, or Matthew, or whatever makes you comfortable. Got that?" He asked kindly, blond hair falling onto his forehead as he tilted his head in a clear question. Feliciano's felt incredibly awkward as he had to once again take an unreasonably long time to process the words.

"I-er, yes. Dr. Williams, please."

The patient man didn't seem fazed by Feliciano's slowness or awkward speech, for which he was immensely grateful.

"Alright, Feliciano, I'm going to explain some things to you about your head. Just tell me if you get confused." He looked Feliciano in the eyes and took a small breath before speaking clearly, not too fast.

"I'm sure your medical doctor has briefly explained what's happened, but I'm going to help you understand it and get through it. You see, you head was hurt in such a way that damaged the part that controls how you process some things, like language or equations. That is why is why it might be hard for you to understand words, but it's nothing to be embarrassed about. I'm going to evaluate you for a condition known as Gerstmann's syndrome- nothing troublesome, all very easy. No worries." His light eyes searched Feliciano's face intently, checking for confusion. Thankfully, he seemed to be following the conversation rather well.

"Have you got any questions?"

Slowly, Feliciano nodded. "When can I… go. Er- um, home. I mean." His face burned at his own incapability. Dr. Williams nodded slowly, thinking.

"Well, physically, you should be fine. The hospital set your cracked ribs, and treated the smaller injuries to avoid infection. Legally, you're allowed to leave. However, we'd really feel more comfortable if you would stay for at least a week of therapy, to help you re-adjust to the world. Once you leave, we can give you some recommendations for a new therapist- my sister's therapist, in fact, is excellent. How do you feel about that?"

His eyes fixed on the blobby painting behind Dr. Williams, Feliciano agreed out loud. "Yes, that's… good. I would like to go home."

The friendly blond smiled gratefully at his response before turning about to see what had caught his patient's eye.

"You like art?" He asked curiously. Smiling shyly, the brunet nodded.

"I teach it at an, uhm, elementary school. When I was… small, I liked to draw, paint, whatever. All I used to do."

Looking thoughtful, Dr. Williams scratched his head, shuffling some papers.

"Say, Feliciano, I had some other things planned, but how would you like to do some drawing instead? I have paper and some nice pencils I could fetch for you."

Feliciano's eyes lit up, a genuine smile on his face. "Yes! Yes, I would like to. Th-thank you. Do you have any, um. Charcoal."

The therapist shook his head a little sadly. "Unfortunately, no. I'm not an artist myself, but what do you say I get some nice paints for tomorrow?". With the earnest look on his face, Feliciano couldn't even muster himself to be disappointed, only excited to draw. It felt like it'd been forever since he'd simply sketched for the sake of it.

* * *

The graphite glided smoothly across the paper, like an extension of Feliciano's fingers bleeding onto the page. It'd been slow going at first, only short, messy lines sketched out and erased. Dr. Williams gave him a simple prompt- family, but it quickly turned into something more complicated in his head. Obviously, his adorable little feline Pookie, Lovi, and Ludwig, but after that, it grew… messy. Should he include his father, or mother, whose face he barely knew? But before he knew it, his mind was elsewhere while the pencil stroked across the page, curving and shading lightly. Across from him, Matthew watched with fascination, occasionally taking a note or two.

Towards the later half of their allotted hour, Feliciano set down the pencil, blowing stray eraser rubbings away and stretching his slightly-cramped fingers.

"All done, Feliciano?" Dr. Williams asked, his curl bouncing slightly. Feliciano nodded, bouncing where he sat, obviously happier than he was before.

"May I see it?" The italian offered the paper out obligingly, gripping it gently as to not crease the page. Humming in thanks, Dr. Williams accepted the drawing and studied it.

"So this is you, your brother, your friend from before and… who's this?" He queried, brow creased as he pointed to a figure Feliciano didn't really remember drawing. It was a tall man, haircut sharp and his attire business-like, yet his face was almost blank, without any features.

But it was evidently meant to be his father.

"Ah, that's my… father. I think." He responded quietly.

The therapist nodded slowly, taking in the information. "And where is your father right now, Feliciano?"

"He's in Italy. Where I grew up. I, er, haven't seen him since I was 16."

"Why is that?"

"When Lovino turned… 18, we moved to America together. Without him."

Dr. Williams frowned. "Was he not good to you, Feliciano?"

Feliciano cast his eyes downward, amber eyes filling with a cocktail of negative emotions.

"You don't have to answer anything you don't want to." After a few moments of tense silence, the understanding therapist broke it. "Ah, I see a cat! Do you own one?"

* * *

When Feliciano finally stepped out of the room, Lovino was waiting outside for him. A relieved smile was on his face momentarily before being covered up with a light, ingenuine scowl as he stood up from his chair, setting down a magazine.

"How'd it go?" He asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Good! I-It was nice, actually. I got to, to draw. That was fun." He answered honestly. Lovino's frame shifted, like a weight had been lifted off of him. His brother bumped his shoulder against Feliciano's, like when they were kids, and a tiny grin spread across Feli's face.

"That's good, Feli _._ Do you like your therapist?" he asked, more curious than anything. Feliciano bobbed his head happily, thinking of the friendly blond. "Yeah! Dr. Williams is super, uh, cool. He did talk about… pancakes, a lot. But he is nice."

Lovino smirked a bit at the description. "Heh, that does sound funny. He'd better be a good therapist for you. I read that getting a good doctor for your head can be hard, you know? It's all weird."

"I-it's fine, Lovi! Dr. Williams is v-very good." Feliciano defended hastily, surprised slightly that Lovino had read up on the subject.

"Well, yeah. You deserve the best, Feli. Uh, anyway. That damn potato bastard is waiting for you, you know." Lovino added quietly, pretending not to look at his brother. The younger man nearly stopped in his tracks at his words when he processed their meaning.

"Ludwig is still here?"

Lovino snorted, scuffing his sneakers on the ground. "The idiot came downstairs and talked to me _three times_ while you were with Dr. Williams. Three. Times. In an hour, ugh." He complained, irritated by mere thoughts of the german. Feliciano, on the other hand, paused. Ludwig… came down. He was concerned, perhaps? He was equal parts overjoyed and confused by the news.  
"I need to go- go talk to him! Wh-what if he needs something?" He wondered aloud. Lovino only shook his head.

"He's _fine,_ fratello, he's just being stupid, as usual."

"Still, I should go… check on him."

"We're going to the same place, dummy! Just calm down."

When Feliciano finally made it up the all stairs _("really, Feli, this isn't taking more than a few minutes)_ he eagerly looked around for Ludwig. Spotting the tall german as he stood up from his chair to greet him, Feli walked over cautiously.

"Lovi said you w-were, um, looking for me, Ludwig?" He asked nervously. For some reason, Ludwig's cheeks reddened slightly. Brushing that aside, he waited for a response.

"Ah, well. I was just wondering how you were doing. Did you enjoy your first therapy session, Feli?"

Feliciano smiled in relief, glad that nothing was wrong. "Yeah!" He answered gladly. "Dr. Williams is really nice, and I got to draw, 'n stuff."

Ludwig laughed a little, his summer-sky eyes looking suddenly lighter. "Does he know you're an art teacher?" he asked, unbuttoning the top button of his brown button-up as he sat back down to reveal a sliver of pale skin. Feli suddenly had to rip his eyes away from the sight back to Ludwig's face.

"Uh-er, yes. Yes, I told him."

Ludwig nodded amiably, folding his hands in his lap. A sudden silence overtook them, and they both sat awkwardly as people chatted all around them.

"H-hey Ludwig?" Feliciano suddenly asked out of nowhere. His eyebrows raised.

"Yes?"

"Can I, um, hug you?"

Ludwig's confused expression softened, changing to one of empathy and happiness, a small smile on his face. "Of course, Feliciano."

Gleefully, Feli jumped at Ludwig, wrapping his smaller frame around the taller one and burying his head in his shoulder.

"You're my… best friend. Best friend, Ludwig. I'm so lucky to have you." Feliciano said quietly into his shoulder. Ludwig's breath caught in his throat at these heartfelt words, his eyes widening with emotion.

" _Nein,_ my friend." He said, as he pulled away slightly from the hug to look at Feliciano. "It is me who is lucky to have you."

And just like that, any awkwardness between the two was gone, erased like graphite rubbed away from paper.

* * *

 **I think it's safe to say that we are officially past the really angsty stuff. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter!**

 **Translations: fratello means brother in italian, and nein means no in german.**

 **Also, thank you to that random guest who corrected me on a bunch of language stuff! I'm definitely toning it down on the whole foreign language thing, just looking back at all of it I decided I kinda went overboard perhaps?**

 **anywho, thank you to EVERYONE else who reviewed. you guys are so sweet! and please don't be afraid to PM me if you've got a question about the story, or just want to say hi! so... that's it, I think.**

 **Thank you so much for reading! Love you guys!**


	7. Prayers in a Cage

**Chapter Seven:**

 **Prayers in a Cage**

Warm, familiar skin was pressed flush against his own under the cool sheets. A surprisingly soft hand rubbed his bare chest lightly, in soothing, circular motions. Ludwig breathed a small laugh into his ear as Feliciano leaned into his touch, craving more. More, more, always more. Feli wanted to know every inch of Ludwig, learn and study every freckle, every scar. The air grew warmer, breath huffing, and-

Feliciano woke with a start, sighing hotly when he realized what'd happened. _Damnit,_ he hadn't had one of those dreams in a while.

He'd known he was in love with Ludwig for a long time. Years, even. It hadn't come as a sudden realization, but as a gentle culmination of events back in their junior year of highschool. He'd been gangly and awkward, Ludwig only slightly shorter than he was now and just as impressively built- perhaps even more, as he'd been on the football team at the time. It was all the little things that built up to it- the scent of butter on Ludwig's shirt after he made popcorn for the both of them on a movie night, the look on his face when he helped him with math, and the way that, even though it went unspoken, they both knew Feli wouldn't miss one of Lud's games for his life. And then, one inconspicuous night, while Ludwig was yelling at Gil for leaving the oven on (again), a single stray thought floated to the front of his mind.

 _I think I love him._

Considering it, he nodded slowly, and said not a word. It wasn't for another 8 hours that he realized this meant he was gay. He huddled quietly in the darkness of his room while Lovi slept soundly in the next room, carefully locking those feelings away deep in his chest, and prayed for God to fix him, because obviously he was broken. What he felt was a sin. The thing about locking secrets up, though, is that they'll never get out, like a bloodstain on his soul. Even after all these years, he was still goddamn in love with his best friend. What was wrong with him?

He huffed a breath of frustration, staring at the ceiling and letting his body cool down. He eagerly reached for the glass of water beside him, trying to will away the negative feelings inside of him. Just in time too, as a knock on the door came soon after. Plastering a smile to his face, he called out, voice slightly croaky from sleep.

"Come in!"

In through the door stepped Antonio, a happy grin on his face.

"Feliciano! _Mi amigo_ , how are you? I have not been able to see you much, I apologize. The doctors here are very strict." He apologized, bouncing on the balls of his feet with his hands clasped in front of him. Feliciano waved his regrets away.

"It's fine! The d-doctors don't want me to be… what was it. Ah! Overstimulated, that's it. So they try, uh, to keep me away from talking to too many people at once, for now. Dr. Williams said he wants to ease me back into the world." Antonio nodded in understanding.

"So how is everything going? Lovino has given me a general overview of your time here, but I'd like to know things from your point of view. We've barely been able to talk, really. Four days is a long time to go without pasta, huh?"

Feli paused for a moment, letting Antonio's words process. After an awkward 30 seconds, he sighed, thinking of his favorite food, warm and steaming on a plate, soaked in fresh, savory sauce and sprinkled with green basil, spices, and grated cheese. Mm, he could nearly taste it on his tongue.

"Oh, pasta… I do miss it. I only have to stay a week, though! That's only, er…" he trailed off suddenly, voice going quiet. An embarrassed blush rose onto his cheeks as he desperately tried to do the simple equation in his head. Antonio looked concerned.

"F-five, more days?" he half-asked hesitantly. Antonio's eyes softened.

"Three, Feliciano. It's quite alright."

Feliciano's fists curled up in frustration under the sheets, though he tried to keep his face clear. "Hah, that's r-right! I never was good at math." He tried to joke through his shaky, nervous voice. Although many people dismissed Antonio as a cheery but oblivious and almost stupid person, he was incredibly perceptive. Would he see through his facade?

Gently, Antonio sat on the edge of his bed, careful not to sit on Feliciano's legs.

"Hey. Feliciano, it's alright. No one expects you to be perfect, you know? You're allowed to be damaged. You're allowed to be broken."

Feliciano inhaled sharply. _Broken._ Oh, how ironic that Antonio would use those words, the very same he'd used on himself that night that he'd locked himself up. But… was he really allowed to broken? It seemed unlikely. Swallowing, he nodded to Antonio.

"Thank you, T-tonio. Would you mind, uh, gi-giving me a moment?"

Antonio couldn't help but look slightly disappointed, but nodded, rising from the bed.

"Lovino and I will be right outside if you need us, _si_?" And with that, Antonio stepped out of the room, leaving Feliciano with his thoughts and crumpled sheets.

Too many things were happening at once. His brain damaged, the lockbox in his chest rattled yet again, and everyone around him was concerned. _Oh god,_ what if they found out? Would Ludwig think he was a freak? Would Lovino hate him- abandon him? No… in his heart, he knew that even if his brother hated him, was disgusted by him, he'd never leave him to the streets. Not after all they'd gone through together, with their father. And yet, their relationship might never be the same again. And he might lose his best friend. No, he resolved, he could never let his secret out.

Never.

* * *

" _Yes,_ bastard, for the last time, Feliciano is doing well. No thanks to you, I might add." Lovino could hear the german sigh through the phone.

"Lovino, we both know know I want to be there, seriously, but I can't miss another day of work. You're lucky you work for Antonio, he's not gonna fire you. I have to get back into the office, or I _will_ lose my job."

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever."

"I'm coming back as soon as I get out of work. I just have to stop by my apartment."

"You checked up on Pookie, right?"  
"Yes, and Gilbert is taking care of her fine. I told you, he may be an idiot, but when it counts, he can take care of something."

"Ugh. Fine. Anyway, I need to go. Antonio just came out of-" and suddenly Lovino's voice got far away, like he was holding the phone away from him. "-what are you talking about? Feli is upset? Fuck, alright, I'll go in there. Ludwig, I need to go. Bye."

And just like that, the phone call was over, leaving Ludwig confused and slightly concerned.

* * *

"Lovino, I'm telling you, Feliciano looked like he really just wanted to be left alone!" Antonio said, grabbing the aggressive man's shoulder before he could storm into the hospital room.

"Well that's too bad! If he's upset or something, I should go in to comfort him, or whatever!"  
"Really, Lovi, I think he just needs to mull his thoughts for a while, and calm down."

Heavily, Lovino sighed, running a hand through his dark hair.

"Fine. I-I just wish I could do more for him, you know. Damn it, I'm so useless!" He near-yelled in frustration, kicking an empty chair. It slid a few inches with a _screech_ against the floor. A man sitting at a computer looked up at him in annoyance, a sneer on his face. Lovino matched his expression before turning away to face Antonio once again, and the receptionist turned back to his computer.

"Hey, Lovi, you're nowhere near useless. You've been an amazing brother this whole time." Antonio said supportively, rubbing his shoulder. "You're always an amazing brother, _amorcito_." He continued, whispering the last part into Lovino's ear slowly. Lovi's face turned down even further into a scowl, though Antonio could tell he wasn't truly displeased by the nickname from the shade of his ears.

"Sh-shut up, you weirdo. Is this really the place for that?" The italian questioned with a huff.

Antonio rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"I just couldn't resist." He defended. Suddenly, his face lit up with mischief. "Hey, Lovi. What do you say, tonight, we go back to my place, crack open that bottle of bordeaux, and uh… have a little fun?"

Lovino snorted, rolling his eyes. "I can't even believe you sometimes. It's like you've got one thing on your mind."

Antonio's face fell slightly, disappointment written on his features.

"Feliciano's therapy is over at 4. I'll see you at 8:30." Lovino said, with a shake of his head as Toni perked up again, his viridescent eyes ablaze with something akin to longing.

* * *

 **translations: _Mi amigo:_ my friend, _si:_ yes, _amorcito:_ my love/little love**

 **so here's chapter seven! and I even got it up before the weekend was over *cheering***

 **I really hope you guys liked it! also, I figured someone might be curious, so here's everyone's ages in the story:**

feli: 27

ludwig: 27

lovino: 29

antonio: 32

 **any questions? comments? concerns? PM me or leave a reveiw! tell me how my story is, or just say hi!**

 **anyway, I love you guys! have a great week :-)**


	8. Sway to Your Pulse

**Chapter Eight: Sway to Your Pulse**

" _As I sat by the ocean_

 _I wondered if I would ever speak again_

 _Or if all of my answers_

 _Would wash up on shore so I could rest."_

Feliciano could only blink, shocked. He touched his lips gently, hardly daring to believe the warmth that lingered on them.

"I'm so sorry Feliciano, I-That was highly inappropriate of me-. I think I need to go." Ludwig managed to say through buzzing lips, his heart pounding with dread and panic. Why did he do that, _Gott why, why, why._ He turned around hastily, fumbling for the doorknob of the room. Verdammt, it was Feliciano's last day at the hospital, and now he'd gone and absolutely ruined everything, and now Feli hated him and _oh god_ he was a freak.

Finally, Feliciano managed to move, lurching forward awkwardly. He tugged on Ludwig's sleeve to stop his departure, like a small child with his mother.

"W-wait, Ludwig, please. I-it's just, I've got all these… thoughts. In my head, that won't leave. You know? They can't, they can't get out, it, it's like they're stuck. Like b-birds with broken wings." Feli stuttered out messily, distressed. He brought his hands up tugging at his hair with tears lining his amber eyes.

"And everything just gets so jammed, Ludwig, and then it spills. And I c-can't, I don't know how to clean it up, and I don't know how to s-say it, so I'll just pour it out to you, and I'm in love with the way you smell, l-like pencil shavings and cinnamon and dog shampoo, and how you smile when y-you're unaware, and your eyes, but mostly I just love you, Ludwig."

Ludwig's eyes widened in shock, his breath catching. Feliciano blinked hard, screwing his eyes closed like he was in pain.

"But I didn't know love could hurt me, I didn't know it could make me feel like this, in such a… not good way. I didn't know love could hurt so bad. I couldn't tell until it was already killing me from the inside out."

* * *

 _ **ONE HOUR EARLIER**_

"Are you excited to go home again, Feliciano?"

The excitable Italian bounced up and down in his seat, nodding. In just one short week, Matthew could already see the improvements he'd made, not only in his speech and thinking but his confidence. He was already stuttering less, and had initiated a few conversations between the two of them. Matthew was reminded of a younger version of himself.

"Yes, yes! I miss my c-cat so much, Pookie must be... worried, sick! And my students! I uh, just can't w-wait to see them too!" Matthew grinned happily, glad to see his delight.

"Well Feliciano, you haven't got much else to do today… your doctor will be doing one last cursory check-up, you'll fill out some forms, and then you're home free! I wish you the best, Feliciano. I can say that it's been a genuine pleasure seeing you this week. Ah, and look at the time! Our last session is almost over… we've got about 10 minutes left. Would you like to do one last quick sketch? I've actually got charcoal this time!"

Eagerly, Feliciano nodded, taking the charcoal and paper from the therapist's offering hand. His drawing began with much more ease now, flowing onto the paper like it was spouting from his veins once more.

A vine of delicate flowers began in a corner, lacing around the edges of the paper, skirting it like it was afraid of being the center of attention. Another tiny bud then grew in the middle of the page, unfolding like origami and growing larger, sturdier. Quickly, it turned into a small bed of flowers, diverse in shape and size. Their roots grew and spread, tenaciously nudging the stem of the shy flower. Hesitantly, the lonely blossom nudged back, and then eagerly accepted the company, growing up to intertwine with the beautiful blooms, wrapping it's own stem around that of a white-petaled flower, strong and thick. Feliciano smiled as he drew, happy to sketch. He made a mental note to devote more time to simply drawing at home- it was great way to relieve tension, and stress, and he simply hadn't done it much since college.

Suddenly, Dr. Williams tapped him on the shoulder, startling Feli out of his concentration.

"I'm very sorry to interrupt you, but I'm afraid we're out of time!" He explained, looking a little sad.

"I suppose, this is i-it, then?" Feliciano asked. The therapist nodded, making a sad face.

"Hey, wait! Feliciano, here's my card. If you ever want to talk or if you need something, _please,_ don't hesitate to contact me. Even if it's just for coffee. It's been a pleasure talking to you." He said, holding out a small, off-white card from his desk. Gratefully, the brunet stood up and accepted the card, tucking it into his pocket.

"Eh, and what's this? Feliciano, this drawing… it's beautiful. Seriously, it's touching." Dr. Williams said, after seeing the drawing. Feli blinked a bit in surprise.

"Oh, it's really n-not much… you can keep it, if you'd, uhm, like."

"Really? You'd let me have this?"

Feliciano nodded, slightly confused. Shifting his weight, he tugged at his striped shirt.

"I suppose I should b-be going, then. Heh, thanks, Dr. Williams. You were… really fantastic. Thank you for everything."

Dr. Williams smiled widely, his gentle face lighting up.

"Please, Feliciano, call me Matthew. I'm not your doctor anymore."

"A-alright, then. Matthew."

* * *

The gentle thud of Lovino's boots against the dully patterned carpet mirrored Feliciano's heartbeat, even and constant.

"I'm making pasta for dinner tonight, Feli."

 _thud-thud-thud-thud_

"Mm, I can nearly taste it already… I'm getting h-hungry, fratello! You'd better l-live up to these promises." Feliciano replied, a laugh escaping his brother in response.

"Of course I will!"

 _thud-thud-thud-thud_

"Oh, by the way…" Lovino said, his voice slightly uncertain, though his steps remained steady. So did Feliciano's heart.

"That german bastard is waiting for you in the hospital room. He's been acting all weird." Here, Lovi's footsteps _did_ falter, and Feliciano's heart nearly fell out of his chest.

 _thud-thud-th-thUD- THud-_

"O-oh yeah? H-why-what's he doing?" Feliciano replied, cursing himself for stumbling over his words so foolishly, so obviously. Lovino pretended not to notice.

"I dunno, suppose he wants to help you with the finishing touches? Getting your stuff together, and all that." Lovi responded, looking at Feliciano from the corner of his eye.

"I see, th-then. That's, uh, v-very nice of him, heh."

And when Feliciano, at last, got to his room, Ludwig was waiting inside, sitting in the chair next to the bed. Lovino walked off awkwardly, claiming that he needed to fill out a form. The air in the hospital suddenly felt stale and uncertain. Everyone seemed to know that something was amiss.

 _thud-THUD-thud_

Ludwig stood upon seeing him, his eyebrows raised.

"Feliciano! Er-hello. How are you doing?"

 _thud-th-ud-thud_

"G-good, thanks. Wh-did you, uh, need something?" He asked nervously, uncertain if he wanted to hear the answer. Ludwig looked a bit uncertain himself, his cheeks brushed with pink as he cleared his throat. The blue fabric of the sweater around his throat shifted as he swallowed heavily.

"Yes, actually. Uh, Feliciano, I… wanted to tell you something. No, I need to tell you something." Ludwig said, his voice not as steady and strong as it normally was. Feli took time to register this, his stomach knotting anxiously, worried.

"Go o-on, then."

Ludwig brought his hands out of his pockets, fingers twitching. He took a deep breath, prepared to say something. Then he looked up at Feliciano with those golden summer sky eyes, so filled with anxiety and fear, and something in his composure was lost. Whether it was the iron-like strength in the tension of his shoulders or the deep creases on his brow, or something else that changed, Feliciano would never be able to tell. But suddenly Ludwig lurched forward, gripping the smaller man's shoulders with such tender strength, and pressed his mouth up against Feliciano's. It wasn't passionate or deep, but the simple act brought forth so much emotion in each of them, freezing them on the spot.

For a few seconds, neither person even moved, barely able to register what had happened. But then Feliciano's amber eyes shot open in shock, and Ludwig's heart suddenly stopped as he realized what he'd done.

 _t-Hud-thud-th-thud_

Ludwig tore himself away, the cold waters of panic rising in his chest. Wide-eyed and stammering, he said, "I'm so sorry Feliciano, I-That was highly inappropriate of me- I. I think I need to go.". He turned, trying to leave.

And then Feli unfroze, grabbing the blond man's sleeve in a panic, and displayed his feelings for Ludwig like paint pouring onto a canvas, messily and staining everything, but still achingly beautiful. It was like he'd opened up his heart and laid it out for Ludwig to see.

Finally, finally, Feliciano let himself _feel_ , feel the outpouring of emotion that he'd kept caged in his chest, let himself realize what he was.

He was in love, he was a cliche fool, and it hurt _so_ good. He fell back, stepping against the edge of that damned hospital bed and sat down on it, burying his head in his hands as emotions overtook him. Was this the right choice, the right path? Whatever the answer, it was the road he was on now.

Quietly, his heart thudded away.

"Feliciano… is that how you really feel?" Ludwig asked hesitantly, his pale skin flushed. Tearfully, Feli nodded.

"Then perhaps we can be broken together." Ludwig said, a single hand reaching out to touch Feliciano's cheek, brushing away a fallen tear he'd not even realized was there. Feli nodded slowly, as Ludwig sat down on the bed next to him. Hesitantly, their eyes met again, and Feliciano felt himself leaning in to meet Ludwig once more. Their mouths met in the middle, colliding in a slow dance of warmth and love and a fiery edge of passion. This kiss was gentle and loving, everything both of them needed and wanted. It wasn't sexual or obscene, but a promise- a vow. As they broke apart, they both knew something that could never be said out loud.

 _My heart belongs to you._

* * *

 ** _I would like to make it very clear that what Feliciano has is a very mild case of Gerstmann's syndrome. I didn't want to disrespect real-life sufferers by writing him with a stronger case and most likely misrepresent the condition, so this I simply went with this. In real life, people with Gerstmann's syndrome can have incredibly severe aphasia, agraphia, acalculia, and more symptoms. In no shape or form am I trying to downplay how serious and damaging this condition is. Feliciano is of course, not completely healed, and Gerstmann's syndrome is not something one can truly cure, only treat._**

 ** _Translations:_** ** _(German) Gott: God._** ** _Verdammt: God dammit._** ** _(Italian)Fratello: Brother._**

 ** _so wow! this was an important chapter! hopefully you guys enjoyed it. the quote in the beginning of the chapter is from_ Love, Robot _'s song Commonwealth Avenue, which contains the lyrics that this story is named after._**

 ** _I think that this story may be coming to a close soon... perhaps two more chapters, and an epilogue? But WAIT! There's more! I am planning to continue this universe. Remember that bit about Matthew's sister having a good therapist? That was important. ;) (*cough USUK cough*) And some spamano, anyone? I think I'll probably write a one-shot of them in this universe. Beyond that, who knows. Prucan, Aushun, so on._**

 ** _thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed, followed, fav'ed, or just read! the response that I've gotten so far is honestly mind-blowing. I never really thought people would actually enjoy this! so thank you all so 3_**

 ** _please PLEASE review if you want to, it really means so much to me when you do and motivates me to keep writing! that's all for now, guys, so auf wiedersehen, sweethearts!_**


	9. Finding Rest

**CHAPTER NINE:**

 **Finding Rest**

"Alright _Fratello_ , are you all set?"

"Yes, Lovino, gosh. I'm p-perfectly capable of walking into my apartment by myself, t-thank you."

"Eh, if you say so." The elder brother said, his tone joking, even though they both knew the slightly serious airs that hid behind it.

"Anyway, I'll be right in. I just have to get some things out of the trunk and lock up. You have your door key, yeah?"

"Front pocket. I'll, uh, leave it open for y-you."

Feliciano walked up the stairs, unlocking the door slowly, hesitantly. The wooden frame seemed smaller than he'd remembered.

The door creaked open as he pushed it, and Feliciano walked in, ready to begin a new life.

* * *

 **TWO YEARS LATER… (and a few months).**

" _Uhh_ , uh, just a little more, Ludwig, just p-push…" Feliciano groaned, face red with effort. Ludwig took in another deep breath, thrusting harder this time.

"I am, _uhn_ , but you have to really put your back into it." Ludwig said as his arms strained. Then, with a _thump_ , the couch landed where it was meant to be. Feliciano sighed, wiping his brow dramatically.

"Finally! I'm pretty sure th-that's the last of it, babe. Now we just have to unpack all these boxes."

Happily, the pair sighed. Ludwig walked over to Feliciano, wrapping his arms around his lithe form and resting his head upon the italians brown locks. Feli leaned into the embrace contentedly, a warm sense of accomplishment and fulfillment resting in his chest. He could still remember when instead of love and warmth, his ribs rested in murky-brown ice, frozen in his mind. Ludwig had changed all that.

"You're the best, Lud." He murmured into the taller man's shirt, intoxicated on his scent and this warm feeling.

Ludwig snorted softly through his nose, holding Feli closer.

"Can't you see you're truly the best thing that's ever happened to me? To this world?"

Feli smiled gently-Ludwig could still make him blush so easily, a hidden hopeless romantic. He picked up his head up from its position beneath Lud's and tugged the blond down for a kiss. Their lips melded together, perfect as always. Ludwig fell backwards against the couch as Feliciano pressed up against him, and Feli followed. They lay quietly on the couch, mouths moving together in dance known only to them. A small, slender hand crept up Ludwig's shirt onto his pale, hard stomach, coming to rest there and massaging the skin lightly.

"F-feli, is this really the place for this?"

Feliciano blinked, mocking innocence. "And w-what might you be referring to, Ludwig?" He asked as his fingers traveled further up his chest, ghosting over skin and leaving him with goosebumps.

Ludwig groaned, enjoying the light sensation. "You know what I mean, Feli."

Feliciano winked seductively, stretching his body over the other's.

"Hm, maybe you're right. The b-bedroom does need to be… christened, you know?"

Blushing only slightly, with a soft smile on his face, Ludwig answered. "Tonight, then." He said quietly in his lover's ear. He shifted so they lay more or less side by side, pressed into each other.

"You have another appointment with Dr. Kirkland tomorrow, right?"

Feliciano nodded, yawning slightly. "Yup."

"Tell her hello for me, will you?" Ludwig asked. Alice was a very nice woman, however grumpy she may have seemed on the outside. Once Ludwig saw her interacting with Feliciano during an appointment, he knew that she was softer on the inside, and a fantastic therapist. Feli grunted softly in affirmation, nestling closer to Ludwig.

"I'm so glad we're here, Ludwig. We really m-made it, you know?" He said, taking a breath, his tone serious.

"After my accident, th-ere were a lot of… moments. Where I wasn't so s-sure that I was okay. I thought it was some kind of p-punishment, or something. For being g-gay… a freak. I th-thought about ending it all once or twice, even… while we were together." Ludwig's eyes widened at this statement. He knew that Feliciano had hit a few bumps along the way, not seeing him for weeks on end or even, on occasion, blanking completely with words. However, he'd never known how serious it was- and he really thought Feli was alright by the time they'd officiated their relationship.

"But then, there was that night. You p-probably don't even remember… we'd ordered a pizza, and we were at your old apartment. It was a pretty average night-Gilbert was out, the tv was on, and we were snuggling. You f-fell asleep while ghostbusters was on. It felt a lot like back in highschool, and yet… safer. You smelt like popcorn again, my head was on your chest, and I could… hear your heartbeat. It was so steady, and strong. And I think, j-just then, I realized… I could be okay. I could be alright with you."

Ludwig felt his eyes water briefly, and he was glad Feliciano couldn't see his face. Clearing his throat, he tightened one hands grip on the smaller had enclosed in it.

"Thank you." He said simply, pressing a hard, meaningful kiss to the crown of Feli's head.

"Thank you."

* * *

 _fin_

* * *

 **HOLY HELL!**

 **okay wow, I finally finished my first story! I am so sorry about the incredibly long wait, but there's been a whole lot of stress and change happening recently. But it's here, and it's finished!**

 **I hope you all really enjoyed the story, I had a lot of fun writing it. Thank you so so much reading it, for leaving reveiws. for favorit-ing and following. All the support has meant so much to me, I honestly expected no one to read my crappy little story. I love you all so much! And to anyone who's wondering... I will be writing more in the universe. Prepare yourselves for nyotalia usuk, spamano, and oh SO MUCH MORE!**

 **~Thank you so much,**

 **sincerely** **Skeleton.**


	10. Sequel-ish!

Hey guys! I just wanted to tell everyone that the second story for this universe is officially up and started! It's called "The Secrets that Consumed You". It's Nyotalia USUK, and I'd really appreciate if you would read it, maybe? Later in the story, there will definable be connections to this one, and maybe you'll get insight in Ludwig and Feliciano's life after the epilogue... ?  
Thanks everybody!

~Skeleton


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